Where to start...well my bff Nikki said I needed to start a blog to help me get over a guy that I have been dating for about 4 years on and off so here I am.
I first met S when I was in his grandma's girl scout troop at the age of about 6 little did I know 12 years later I would be falling in love with him and it would be a roller coaster for six years.
We started seeing each other the summer he graduated High School, we had a summer full of fun times and laughter and then I went away to college and so did he so we ended it but still stayed friends. S got involved with some not so good friends up at school so the dating ceased until he got all of that out of his system. By this time I had started dating another guy but wasn't near as into him I was into S, so over time that relationship ended and S and I got back together. We started dating seriously on October 20, 2010.
In November I finally got him to go to church with me, which is super important he knew that if he didn't become committed to God we had no future. So he started coming.
We had our ups and downs just like every relationship last year around October we took a week break just to think things over and make sure we had our priorities straight and we did and realized we couldn't stand being apart. He still came to church with me and was starting to really be committed to God not for me but for himself. In January of this year he got baptized and everything was great in February he received the Holy Ghost and everything was wonderful.
But then somewhere between then and now I just don't know what happened. He had to have surgery and was hospitalized for two days for bleeding and that was when my love for him grew even stronger because I couldn't have imagined what I would have done if he would not have made it through.
But now I sit here today Single because he doesn't love me anymore or so he says.
He has decided this over the course of one day everything changed in the past two weeks.
We had an argument about S lying to me repeatedly about something that he was doing, and no he wasn't cheating on me he would never do that. So you might be thinking what could he have been lying about, that I will not say but a lie is a lie and when it keeps going on pretty soon little lies lead to bigger ones. So I confronted him and he admitted to lying but said it was because he was afraid I would leave him and I said I won't leave you for what you are doing but for lying and having no remorse. So, I broke up with him and that night he showed up at my house and we had a huge talk about being honest and how relationships are built on trust and we decided to take a week break from each other to think about things.
He came to me and said he knew he had to change if he wanted things to work out and I gave him another chance. Things were great up until a couple days ago when he started acting weird not wanting to see me or spend time with me at all even when we were 30 seconds away. So I was really hurt because I am used to seeing him everyday we would hang out.
When I confronted him about it he said this is the real world and we won't be able to spend time together each day, and I said when we get married (which we have talked very seriously about we have promise rings) he replies "if we get married."
Now at this point I am extremely hurt we were just discussing kids names three days earlier and all of a sudden he doesn't know if he is committed to our relationship anymore.
So I told him right there and then if he wasn't in this for the long run anymore and to spend a future with me and get married and have children then what are WE doing?!?!?
He said he needed a week to think about his life and what he wants because he doesn't know anymore. I told him take a week but if you decide you aren't a hundred percent committed to me and God then it is over. So he left.
Then twenty minutes later I get a text YES a text saying he doesn't love me anymore and it is over.
Now I know that I am the one who said if you aren't sure then end it because I don't want to be strung along but it still hurts me so deep.
Yesterday was horrible but at least I had my bff with me to help me through it. I know that no matter what anyone says to me nothing can heal my broken heart. Even though I was a complete wreck I went to choir practice and made it through church even though no matter where I am I see and think of him. Choir practice I look over and he isn't in his usual spot singing his part and joking, he isn't sitting next to me throughout service nudging and sending me little looks out of the corner of my eyes that I can see, he isn't standing next to me when the choir sings, and then of course everyone asking me where he is doesn't help at ALL. Last night was the first night I didn't talk to him and had no one to tell me "I love you" it is so hard. I never imagined this day would come, I cried for hours and finally fell asleep so exhausted.
This morning was the first time I didn't have a "good morning baby girl" text and kills me inside but I haven't cried today which is quite amazing. I went to breakfast with my daddy and now am at work. And of course the day is dragging by and the more time I have to think about not being with him the more sad and heart broken I feel.
I don't know where to go from here, I will just try to find out how to be me without him which I never thought I would ever have to do.
I am just do glad I have God, such a great BFF and supportive family.
With God nothing is impossible. This song by the Planetshakers is so true!
Through you I can do anything
I can do all things
'Cause it's you who gives me strength
Nothing is impossible
Through you blind eyes are open
Strongholds are broken
I am living by faith
Nothing is impossible
I'm not gonna live by what I see
I'm not gonna live by what I feel
Deep down I know that You're here with me
And I know that You can do anything
I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe in You
No comments:
Post a Comment